We Are Not Immune to Rape Culture
Violence comes in too many forms. It can not only kill us, but put us down, wound and trap us. Violence is what objectifies us, turns us into someone's property, it is what takes our independence away from us, it is what rapes and assaults us.
I'd like to remind us all that violence is power, it is how people who are legitimised to show their power act. This can happen in a society where people look away instead of condemning such acts of power and supremacy. We live in a culture where experiencing violence growing up is an intrinsic part of life. A culture based on patriarchy and a culture called rape culture. We can’t be surprised, after all, most of us grew up believing in “boys will be boys” and “if he is mean, it means he likes you”.
In this culture, female sexuality (and most things considered female) are used as a weapon against women or minorities to humiliate, diminish and put us back where we belong. It’s a weapon to punish and kill us. But I want to make it clear that sex and sexuality is not the issue here, none of this behaviour happens because of sex or “because he can’t control his sex drive”, it’s always a dynamic of power.
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No one is immune. We all grew up and embraced rape culture since when we were kids and didn’t know anything about it. Some of us made a long, difficult and empowering journey, becoming aware of how patriarchy and rape culture work. Others are simply not aware yet and some don’t want to go through this journey at all because living in this culture is too convenient for them.
Today is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence against Women. I’ve decided not to go through the horrifiyng numbers and insights on violence against women but I’d like to stress that the large majority of violent acts, rape and assaluts are committed by a partner, ex partner or friends of family members.
I’d like to invite you to ask yourself some questions, as I’ve done myself. Questions that might help us all, no matter our gender, to fight rape culture and become aware of the fact that we all can make a change. Just saying things like “I’m not a violent person, I’ve never raped anybody” is not enough. We must address the important questions - it is the minimum requirement to be a decent human being.
Rape culture happens everyday, in forms of violence that are verbal, psychological, economical and physical (assaults, rape and homicide). I invite you all to read the questions listed below and ask yourself: have I ever done that? Do I know someone who did? Did I stay quiet? Did I speak up? And if yes, why have you done so? Were you aware those are acts of violence? Will you do it again or help break the cycle?
Have you/someone close to you ever:
Spoke repeatedly to a woman in the following way: you’re dumb, is there anything you understand?, you are incapable of doing anything good, you are useless. (psychological violence)
Shared or watched intimate photos or videos without the person's consent? Have you laughed? Did you share or save the video? Have you ever spoken up saying that it is revenge porn?
Have you catcalled anyone? Stopped someone from doing that?
Touched, huged, kissed someone too drunk to understand what was going on at a party? (sexual violence)
Slapped or threw something at someone that could wound her/him/them? (physical violence)
Sent or received intimate materials without having asked or received consent? (sexual violence)
Secretly recorded someone having sex? Or watched/saved/shared a video of this kind? (sexual violence)
Repeatedly bullying someone for their physical appearance? Intervened if you saw someone else doing that? (psychological violence)
Can women around you manage their own money as they please? Do they have to report and justify how they spend their money? Do they have free access to their own money? (economical violence)
Have you stalked anyone? Or forced/threatened someone to do something? (psychological violence)
Known that someone close to you is an abuser? Thought that most women know of a woman who is a victim of rape but very few men know a rapist? (sexual violence)
Drugged someone without their consent? Or watched someone pouring something into someone’s drink?
Lied to someone about your status before having sex? Performed stealthing? (taking off the condom without your partner knowing) Lied about your age before having sex? (sexual violence)
Thought: what was she wearing? Is she telling the truth? Was she drunk? when discussing rape or sexual assaults (victmising/ blaming)
Humiliated, exposed, discriminated against women for their sexuality or sexual drive?
We are all responsible. If we work together, no matter our gender, we can change things for the better. But in order to do so, we will have to stay aware and take responsibility for our actions.