Sex Education - ep. 3: How to Watch Porn
Welcome to our new episode of Sex Education Series, the place where we provide the sex education you always wanted. If you missed the first 2 episodes, you can catch them up here.
Index:
The real world vs. the porn world
Every body is different
Women on screen
The fetishisation of people of colour
What’s legal and what’s not
Whether we want to admit it or not, porn plays a part in all of our sex lives. Although porn might have some things to teach us, it shouldn’t be used as sex education.
To think ethically, and critically, about the porn you consume, and how it affects your sex life, make sure it does not dictate your real expectations and experiences. It can be harmful if over-consumed, and you must remember it does not necessarily reflect the real world and real sexual experiences.
Some people are happy with the amount of porn they watch and feel it’s a positive part of their life, whilst others don’t watch it at all. For those that explore different forms of porn, whether they do this alone or with a partner, it can be a way to explore fantasies and learn about what they like or dislike.
Some may worry about the amount of porn they watch, and feel it is negatively impacting their sex life. Signs such as losing interest in sex or attraction to others, and an inability to stop watching, might suggest that there is a problem. If this is something that resonates with you, it might be time to reach out for help and support.
What is discussed below refers to mainstream porn that you would find on sites such as Pornhub, as independent, more ethical/feminist porn sites offer a different perspective.
The real world vs. the porn world
Remember that the actors have consented beforehand and what is shown in porn has already been agreed upon and discussed; one of the key things that distinguish it from sex in real life. In reality, during sex you must ensure there is consent in every activity you engage in. In porn, there is no checking in, or verbal agreement shown between those involved.
Porn is cut and edited; transition from one act to another is not shown, we don’t see the full story. Building-up and enjoying each activity is super important in order to maximise pleasure, but we don’t see this, as everything is decided beforehand.
The lack of protection used is another bad example to follow, actors get checked regularly, but in real life you may not know whether your partner is clean, so staying safe is essential.
Every body is different
Another important difference is the bodies we see on screen versus in real life.
People on screen are often very groomed, either completely clean-shaven or with very little hair. Shaved pubes have been around since the very start of porn movies. This is because of the grainy quality of earlier cameras; they had to remove all hair so viewers could see more clearly what was happening. It’s your personal choice whether you want to remove your pubes or not, do not let anyone coerce you into making a decision about your body that you don’t feel comfortable with.
Pubes are important. They help to lubricate and protect genitals against rashes, and friction burns during sex as it serves as a sort of dry lubricant.
Porn has also led to an increase in genital cosmetic surgery, or labiaplasty, which can actually cause a loss of sensation. The labia minora can come in all shapes and sizes; you just might not see one that’s similar to yours in porn.
People with disabilities are rarely shown in mainstream sex scenes. Because what we see in porn and movies influences our perceptions of everyday life, this omission is very problematic. With social media and streaming services we are constantly comparing ourselves to what we see, but you must remember that the majority of what is on the screen has been touched up or staged by those involved, and so don’t compare yourself to an online ideal that doesn’t actually exist.
Women on screen
Most mainstream porn is undoubtedly hetero-normative and shown through the male gaze. Other than the body standards women are bombarded with trying to fulfil, porn also portrays women in a very misogynistic light. This can especially impact teenage boys who are possibly exploring and understanding sex for the first time through porn, making it even more important to educate and understand the differences between the real world and the porn world.
For men, watching porn can lead to predatory behaviour and unrealistic expectations of women’s sexual performance, as well as breeding a sexist mindset that objectifies women. Some research has also shown that after watching violent porn, men with already misogynistic attitudes and antisocial behaviours are more likely to be sexually violent.
Some other research has shown that porn can shape the way narrative we construct around sex and relationships, as people find it hard to understand that what we’re shown is simply a fantasy, and not real sex. Porn is creating templates for men and boys, whilst also conditioning women to be seen as objects to sexually satisfy others.
The fetishisation of people of colour
Mainstream porn has a problem with the way it “includes” people of colour. The language used in porn is demeaning and often perpetuates damaging stereotypes.
This type of exoticism is another toxic trait of mainstream porn. It exaggerates stereotypes that surround individual ethnicities, whether that's the “cute, tight” Asian woman, the “fiesty” Latina woman, or the “strong, BBC” black man that corrupts the “innocent” white woman.
White women are actually paid a premium for performing with black men, and even if they are in a position where they are able to choose to be paid more or not, they are actively benefiting from a racist system. Although the actors themselves may not choose how much they make, they are capitalising off fetishising and pigeonholing ethnic minorities. The industry should strive for better casting, outside of scenarios that are inherently racist and exoticist.
As this is all in order to achieve a certain fantasy that can be broadcast to viewers, it must call you to question, if you’re someone who watches these, do you enjoy seeing people of colour only exist within the limitations of their stereotypes? Ask yourself how you can separate yourself from this and do better for your partners, and not fetishise people in this way in real life.
What’s legal and what’s not
Watching or sharing certain types of porn is illegal. For example, any porn that includes people under 18, sex with animals, torture, scenes of rape or sexual assault and violent scenes which are life threatening.
The legal age to watch porn is 18, and websites will limit who can watch through age restrictions. Watching porn with someone under 18 is also illegal, even if they wanted to. This is intended to prevent abuse of children and young people.
You can be charged with child porn offences if you film, take sexual pictures, or share photos, when sexting for example, of young people under 18, even if they gave you their permission. While the age of consent in the UK is 16, sharing explicit images under 18 is illegal. Sexting is legal between consenting adults, but when minors are involved, sexual-exploitation and child-pornography laws can come into play.
What is illegal between adults is revenge porn, where someone uses someone else’s private, sexual content, such as photos or videos, without their consent with the purpose of causing embarrassment or distress. Sharing could be online or offline, electronically or showing someone a physical image. The police can help if you have been a victim of online sexual exploitation, whether you are underage or an adult.
There is a difference between the mainstream and independent porn producers who try to move away from the problem characteristics of porn to create ethical, more inclusive content for everyone to enjoy, not just those with the male gaze. If you enjoy watching porn and you feel it benefits your sex life, then proceed, but if its taking over and getting in the way of you enjoying real interactions, perhaps consider consuming less.